Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Baked Chicken for the Soul

Dear Therapy,

You've taken me on a roller coaster of emotions since I restarted several weeks ago and while I'm glad that I recognized that an appointment was in order, I'm starting to get anxiety. Sigh. After several attempts at trying to make things better for my family and my older brother, a break-up with him is in order. There is absolutely no salvaging our relationship. For once, I will have to choose my happiness, self-worth (cause I'm awesome) over that of my family and how they will react to my news. The problem is much deeper than just the both of us not seeing eye to eye over the past decade+. But, to pretend that I could just suck it up and continue to be is just not working. I was a fool to think I could play it off for the rest of my life. But, as usual, I have no regrets. Regret is a useless emotion because absolutely nothing can be done about it unless you own a time machine or, better yet, have a Doc Brown and a DeLorean laying around. Oh, don't forget your flux capacitor.

Sigh. Look at me make jokes about it. Deflection!

Even as I sit here, I have that feeling in the pit of my stomach, the eerie feeling of fear/anxiety/relief/excitement that can only come when you are about to do something you should have done a long time ago. I don't know when I am planning on doing this but I know I have to. Talking to B though is at the top of my anxiety list though. The last thing I want to do is burden him and have him caught in the middle. So, it may just have to wait until after summer simply because it will just be a better time but, then again, there is no "perfect" time. It's going to suck but I know it's for the best.

I've been mulling this post for a while but I wanted to post it regardless because it deals with me and you, Therapy. Some of my family may be unaware of you but I really don't keep it a secret amongst some of my friends. I wish more people recognized the need for you because it helps to talk to someone especially someone not directly involved with the subject of your therapy sessions. It's much like being open here online. What it is about the anonymity that makes us reveal things?

Regardless of how things play out later this summer, Therapy, know that I am happy I picked up the phone and called you. I'm happy that we have our weekly sessions to talk about things I never saw before. Thank you for the praise on my self-awareness, my coping skills and my sense of worth. The symbolic pat on the back, session after session, is much appreciated even if, after I leave for the day, I feel incredibly sad and apprehensive as I drive home and wonder what is going to come next from what I know I have to do.

Lastly, in an effort to not make you sad about you making me sad, here is a photo of the baked chicken I made yesterday seasoned with salt, pepper and Old Bay seasoning because it's absolutely yummy. The leftovers for lunch were yummy as well.

Love you,



Ali said...

This is going to sound hypocritical but I'm a firm believer in "family first"...but *only* if it's reciprocated. Otherwise, you gotta look out for you.

I'm proud of you for doing that and for getting re-acquainted with the old friend non the couch, Margie. You deserve every single symbolic back pat.

Ally said...

I feel bad when I read blogs about family members not getting along, etc. We all must do what is best and healthy for us. Hugs from your newest follower (I saw you on Baby Makes Three blog).

PS That chicken looks scrumptious. Gawd, I hate that word.