Tuesday, September 28, 2010

I had a sad

With the BNC playing a show in another city last night, one in which I couldn't attend because of, I dunno, had to work today, I was left on my own for dinner and afternoon companionship. Usually a bowl of soup and a cat or two or three would suffice but after going to the doctor to have my CGM removed, I was in awfully low spirits. Oh, did I fail to mention the ambush at the doctor's appointment Friday afternoon? Well, let's take a detour.

It was my 4-month follow-up and history has taught me that for the past 3 years, visiting the endo in September brings you tests but usually not on the first appointment. Usually you make appointments to come back. ACRONYM ALERT! An EMG, an ECG, and, most dreadfully of all, the CGM. The first two tests don't really bother me. They should but they are nothing like the CGM. I HATE the CGM. The EMG involves some electroshocks on my hands and feet as well as inserted needles (!!!) in my arm and leg muscles, to test for any neuropahthy, while the ECG involves some nice, cold metal things all over my chest and feet and painful blood pressure taking to check my heart, its rate, blood pressure and all that good stuff. Sure, it's scary having these things sticking out of my hands and feet but the CGM just sucks ass. Basically it's a little monitor inserted in my side for 3 days. It looks like a small face hugger a la Alien. The initial insertion stings because they are sticking a needle inside me that will remain there for 3 DAYS. 3 DAYS! Did I mention the 3 days?Afterwards, a huge piece of tape is placed over it to protect the monitor from water, lava and whatever else may come at it. (It's the removal of this clear tape that hurts most of all upon removal.) I'm then given another blood glucose monitor, much different from my own personal one, and instructed to prick my finger before breakfast, lunch, dinner and bedtime as well as write down the times of every meal, details of the meal and when I took my meds. You try writing that down in the restroom of a churrascaria while on a double date with some wonderfully charming folks. Sigh. I know. I'm completely coming off as agitated but I am. My feelings took a beating this weekend. As I said, I was ambushed. Usually I am instructed on when to come back for these tests and this time I wasn't. My guard was down. They asked if I wanted to, I'll give them that, but since I'm not a fan of going to the doctor in the first place, I said yes. I simply didn't want to come back another day and take care of it all if they could do it right at the moment. Stupid, stupid, stupid. I had no support system which meant I was going to have to do this all alone. I was going to drive home alone and in tears. I tried calling my BNC just so I could hear the words you must chill but he was completely unavailable. Then, I texted B who helped me keep my shit together and talked me down from the hysterical tree I was already climbing. So, I totally Cool Hand Luked it and stood there, cracked some jokes cause that is totally one of my ways of coping (DEFLECTION) and took it. I didn't even cry. Well, not until I came home and looked at it in the mirror and felt the sting of the needle.

I completely understand why this has to be, truly I do. But oh man, does it ever make you sad. To sit at the doctor's office with much older people suffering the awful effects of diabetes breaks your heart but it certainly is a major reminder of why I pass on real ice cream, Mexican soda, cake, tortillas, candy and all that good shit and meticulously take my meds, show up at the doctor's office when I don't want to and take it. All those no thanks, I'll pass are worth it. Now, I realize I am far too young for this as well as realize that it's not a genetic thing whatsoever. It just is. Hot damn though. To add insult to injury, I personally know of no other diabetic that has to do the shit I have to do. I guess I should thank my insurance and my doctors but other than the people I see at the endo's, no one I know has to do this. Good/bad? Yes/yes.

So, after having a slightly sad weekend, and being left to figure out what I was having for dinner last night, I called up B. I didn't want to sit home alone and B always brings it and he brought it...at Star Pizza where we talked about our respective diseases and generally commiserated. It was the first time, in a long time, where we spoke about our feelings on them both. Our fears, our wants, the needs and the future, all of it. We're in the same boat about the diabetes and the CML and I'm hoping, we both are, that the day comes soon not only for a cure to them both, but also for the guidance on how best to make change, the kind of change MJ talks about in Man in the Mirror, the kind where you join a walk-a-thon, etc. We'd both like to do something charitable but we're not there yet. So far, we're still adjusting to what has happened as well as the lifestyle change and trying to get to a place where we both feel comfortable talking about it. Most of all, and most importantly, we just want to be as healthy as possible before we move onto the next phase, whatever that may be.

And so, we sat, we talked, we ate, and we spoke about other stuff other than our diseases. And there I learned more about my beloved youngest brother and those years where we all were off enjoying our new adulthood dripping with freedom. It's those first few years where, despite coming to the rescue of B in his many hours of need, that I don't know too much about. The same can be sad of me by him. But, it doesn't matter cause when he called, I answered, I took the hits for him, I gently nudged and I listened much like he did when I had to find someone to help me scoop out the the turmoil eating at me from within. I have said it before and I will say it again, I would die for my brother no questions asked.

So, because we were having some Oprah moments, I failed to take any pictures whatsoever. No food pics, no pics of shoes, no pics of B, nothing. But, I did doodle it.

Behold! B and I and 2 slices of floating pepperoni pizza.

And all is right with the world, for the most part that is. The diabetes has not affected anything with me and my tests are ok. Even a visit to the eye doctor went well despite a slight change in my eyesight. This is all I can hope for; The strength to remember to do what I have to do and the love and support from the people I love most of all.


Ali said...

Hey toughie <3 Hanging in there like a cat on a shower curtain rod?

I'm glad the tests are over and done with for now. At the end of that (initially shitty) day, you had B, there was pizza and no doctors or nurses were throat punched.

Your circle of lurve is stronger than any I've seen.


Margie said...

Thanks, Ali.
I've moved onto the tub. Whew!

Young John Cusack...sigh...so awesome. Throw me into the I'd Go Out with Lloyd Dobler group.