Liz Lemon!

Everything reminds me of my brother.  Everything.  I see a Liz Lemon quote, I laugh and think, "OMG, I have to call B!" only to quickly remember he's still hospitalized in ICU.  This morning, while watching Sportscenter, it happened again.  I plan on making spaghetti and realize that I can't save him any because he won't be eating it for a while.

God help me if anything happens to my brother....God help me indeed.

Heartache

Nothing I have experienced in my 37 years could have prepared me witnessing my brother in ICU, hooked up to a breathing machine, with arms restrained.  I mean nothing.  How does one not shed a tear?  How does one not go up to their brother and say, "I'm here, Brother.  I'm here.  I'm always here." with tears in their eyes, with a knot in their throat?  How does one not run to his beside, when you are getting ready to leave because he is trying to grasp your hand, trying to say something?  "I'm here, Brother.  I'm here.  No, don't talk.  It's okay.  I love you, Brother.  I miss you.  Please, please, get better.  I need you, Brother."

This is hard.  My heart hurts all the time.  I want to puke my insides out all the time.  It took so much strength to not carry my brother in my arms when I left him yesterday.

This is all I have to say.

Christmas Wishes

My apologies for the heavy lack of posts.  Shit happens and when shit happens, you don't blog a lot even though you have so much to say about the shitty time you find yourself in.

My brother is in the hospital again.  4th time this year.  Today marks 2 weeks and I miss him dearly.  His daughter turned 1 yesterday.  It's heartbreaking.  My Christmas wish is to have my brother home for Christmas.  I want to make him the lasagna he craves.  The turkey I didn't make for Thanksgiving.  The birthday dinner I'm waiting to cook for my niece/Goddaughter.  Everything.

But, there is a silver lining.  Our long estranged old brother is my younger brother's match for the bone marrow transplant which will occur next month.  The Lord works in mysterious ways because what I once thought was an irretrievably broken relationship with my older brother now has a stepping stone towards reconciliation.  So, on Saturday, while my mom answered his call, I asked to speak with him, my brother, whom I had no contact with for over 4 years (because of prison and whatnot) and thanked him for helping our younger brother in his time of need.  He went on to tell me that it was hard to see our brother that way but he is happy to help and looking forward to helping our brother with his disease.  And with that, my mom was happy.  My heart was happy.  My younger brother was happy.  I said to JC, "Okay.  I get it.  Stop pushing."  And I laughed because I like to make jokes about a lot of stuff especially about some things that people think are blasphemous.

But please, JC, please bring my brother(s) home for Christmas.  Please.

As for Noah, he is great.  16 months and thriving.  I promise to try and have a year in recap.