My life is a walking contradiction.
I am happy and sad.
I am angry and understanding.
I am proud and defeated.
I feel like my brother passed so long ago but it also feels like yesterday.
Grief is suffocating. I feel so many things. I feel so many emotions in the blink of an eye. For example, this morning, memories of my brother popped into my head. (They always do.) And I was suddenly overcome with tears and pain. I begged B to help me, to ask God to help me. And, just like that, my moment passed. My brother was hospitalized a year ago. My baby's birthday is coming up and it reminds me of last year when I wanted to cancel the party but B told me that the "show must go on" so I didn't. I was so happy that day and so heartbroken that B wasn't there. I only relented because I told B to get better so he wouldn't miss anymore. The fact that he won't physically be there breaks my heart all over again. The reminder that things can change in 1 year is also gut wrenching. I miss my brother oh so very much and I just still cannot believe, 3 months later, that I have lost my brother.
I want to share this video of Stuart Scott giving his speech at this year's ESPYs. I never liked to say my brother lost his fight to leukemia but I couldn't find the right words. Mr. Scott did.
"You beat cancer by how you live, why you live and in the manner in which you live.
And when you get too tired to fight, then lay down and rest and let someone else fight for you."
Stuart Scott's ESPY Speech
Yes. That is it.
I love you, B. I miss you terribly.