Day 45

Sometimes I forget what day I'm on and I have to go and count back.  My mind, it's here but it's not.  My exterior, it's at work, doing work stuffs.  It's at home, doing home stuffs.  My heart, it's loving on my family, my son but there, right in the middle, is a huge hole.  It's in pain.  It's sad.  It remembers and it cries.  A lot.  I still find myself in disbelief that I have lost the love of my life, my brother.  I remember everything.  I remember the plans we made.  I remember our last conversation, our last texts, and I still have those voicemails he left me throughout the past few years because I'm a bad hoarder of texts/voicemails/emails.  Those voicemails, with his sweet voice, asking me to call him back; returning my call, inquiring what I had planned today, they hurt so much.  I tortured myself that day after I found them.  I kept listening to them over and over again until the battery ran out.

I have no idea what I am doing.  I have no idea how to grieve.  I know there is no handbook and that makes it all the much harder.  I'm searching for a grief support group to help me so there's that.  I mention brother a lot.  I always have and I guess I always will.  There are just so many stories and I'm going to need them to help me get through this for the rest of my life.

You know how I feel?  I feel lost.  I am completely functioning on the outside but on the inside, I am a huge mess.  My insides finally caught up with my outsides and I broke into hives 2 weeks ago.  I have lost my best friend, my soulmate, my light and I feel awful.  I'm so angry.  So angry at leukemia.

I miss my brother, I miss him so much.  I want you to know how much I hurt.  How much I miss him.  How much I want to pick up the phone and call him, tell him I love him.  SO.MUCH.

I love you, B.  I miss you.

My Beloved B

My beloved brother passed away on April 20, 2014.  He was surrounded by his family and some friends and it was easy and hard to send him to set him free; to be at peace.

I just don't know how this happened.  How did I get here?  How is this possible?  How did I manage to pick out a casket for my brother and not lose my shit completely?  How?  I had to walk away at the cemetery.  I couldn't see them lower my beloved B into the ground.  I couldn't even pick up his certificate last week.  Too much reality.

How do I go forward?  How do I exist in a world where my brother isn't?  I can't pick him up.  Can't call him. Can't text him.  WTF?  How the fuck did this happen?  How the fuck did I lose the light of my life?  This has always been my worst nightmare and that now I'm living it.  This is some bullshit.  FUCKING BULLSHIT.  I feel like someone broke into my home and robbed me.  Leukemia came in and robbed me of my beloved B.  FUCK YOU, LEUKEMIA!  FUCK YOU!  How dare you think I am going to sit back and allow you to get away with this.  FUCK YOU.  I'm coming for you.  I will work hard to keep you from doing this to someone else.  FUCK YOU.  FUCK YOU.

I miss my brother so much.  I love him so much.  I'm so broken inside.  I'm so lost.  I wait for him to come into my dreams.  I want to tell him once more of how much I love him, how much he means to me.  What is a sister called when she loses her little brother?

I love you, B.  I love you so much.  I'm so sorry I couldn't take this away from you.  I'm sorry.  I tried.  I begged.  I will miss you every day.  I will love you more every day until we are reunited.  Please, give me strength to make it until then.  

All my love always,

Your sister, B.

Sibling Obligations

I am new to this whole Brother is sick and needs my help thing so I'm sure that I am making a lot of mistakes which in the future, long after he has recovered and is home, will make themselves known and will make me think, "Fuck.  I could have done it that way and it would have been easier."  There is no handbook with a map insert showing you how to navigate all this.  It's a heavy load to carry and yes, it's tiresome and draining but I do it because the alternative is not an option.  To continue to have my brother in my life is the only option I have and I refuse to think of living a life without him.  2 months ago was the worst.  I cried like I have never cried before, my heart hurt so very much because I came face to face with losing him.  Having the Quality of Life Talk with his doctor, consenting to a DNR, is gut wrenching.  I dreamt of eulogizing him.  For real.  WTF was that dream all about?  But now, with the little strides we have made, I now fantasize about the humongous homecoming party we are going to have.

He is awake and responsive with a move to an LTAC (long term acute care) hospital being planned.

Soon. Don't care how long it takes.

18 Months!

My son went and turned 18 months without asking me and it got me right in the feels.  I'm trying my hardest to remember the feeling of his breath on my neck, or how it feels to have him sleep in my arms as his legs dangle over the edge of my lap.

Aside from delayed talking, The Kid is normal in length, weight and noggin size.  I'll take it.

A photo of (L-R) my Momma, my Grandma, myself and The Kid.  4 generations.  I didn't know how badly I wanted this picture until I saw my Grandma and bawled.  It had been a few years.  

Vital Statistics:

Weight: 25.2 lbs.

Length: 32"

Likes: His books, his cats, playing with Grandpa's tools, cooking with Grandma and rough housing with Dad, sleeping next to Mom, balloons, baths, the Houston Rockets, the outdoors, people who join the National Registry, and his family

Dislikes: Getting changed, getting his toenails clipped, mean people

Happy 18 months, Baby.  Momma and Dad love you so much.  Thank you for keeping us sane.  

Liz Lemon!

Everything reminds me of my brother.  Everything.  I see a Liz Lemon quote, I laugh and think, "OMG, I have to call B!" only to quickly remember he's still hospitalized in ICU.  This morning, while watching Sportscenter, it happened again.  I plan on making spaghetti and realize that I can't save him any because he won't be eating it for a while.

God help me if anything happens to my brother....God help me indeed.

Heartache

Nothing I have experienced in my 37 years could have prepared me witnessing my brother in ICU, hooked up to a breathing machine, with arms restrained.  I mean nothing.  How does one not shed a tear?  How does one not go up to their brother and say, "I'm here, Brother.  I'm here.  I'm always here." with tears in their eyes, with a knot in their throat?  How does one not run to his beside, when you are getting ready to leave because he is trying to grasp your hand, trying to say something?  "I'm here, Brother.  I'm here.  No, don't talk.  It's okay.  I love you, Brother.  I miss you.  Please, please, get better.  I need you, Brother."

This is hard.  My heart hurts all the time.  I want to puke my insides out all the time.  It took so much strength to not carry my brother in my arms when I left him yesterday.

This is all I have to say.

Good-bye 2013, Hello 2014

The second half of 2013 was definitely hard on us.  My brother's leukemia has dominated everything, almost overshadowing the good things of 2013.  However, it's those good things that kept me from falling apart.

For example, this kid here helped keep my sanity intact.

All the drooly smiles, the hearty laughs, the raspberries, kept a smile on my face and in my heart.

I thoroughly enjoyed watching my son learn and discover the art of walking, eating, playing and gnawing on a cat.  

The screams of joy on the swing, or watching himself on my cameraphone are not to be missed.

The speed at which he is growing is astounding.  His foot is measuring at 7 and he's in size 24-month clothes.  Yikes.

Great sleeper, eater and extremely active.  It's how I know something's wrong; when he wants to cuddle.

And he loves to read.  I have caught him several times "reading" and I love it.  I'm hopeful that he's continue this love of books, like his momma, throughout his life.

So, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, gentle reader.

May 2014 be special and magical for you.  Only you can make it so because I believe everyone is magical.  Just look at Noah.  He can light up a room with his toothy smile and silly laughs.  My son the magician continues to save us all from the heartache of leukemia as well as anything that may ail ya.