My Beloved B

My beloved brother passed away on April 20, 2014.  He was surrounded by his family and some friends and it was easy and hard to send him to set him free; to be at peace.

I just don't know how this happened.  How did I get here?  How is this possible?  How did I manage to pick out a casket for my brother and not lose my shit completely?  How?  I had to walk away at the cemetery.  I couldn't see them lower my beloved B into the ground.  I couldn't even pick up his certificate last week.  Too much reality.

How do I go forward?  How do I exist in a world where my brother isn't?  I can't pick him up.  Can't call him. Can't text him.  WTF?  How the fuck did this happen?  How the fuck did I lose the light of my life?  This has always been my worst nightmare and that now I'm living it.  This is some bullshit.  FUCKING BULLSHIT.  I feel like someone broke into my home and robbed me.  Leukemia came in and robbed me of my beloved B.  FUCK YOU, LEUKEMIA!  FUCK YOU!  How dare you think I am going to sit back and allow you to get away with this.  FUCK YOU.  I'm coming for you.  I will work hard to keep you from doing this to someone else.  FUCK YOU.  FUCK YOU.

I miss my brother so much.  I love him so much.  I'm so broken inside.  I'm so lost.  I wait for him to come into my dreams.  I want to tell him once more of how much I love him, how much he means to me.  What is a sister called when she loses her little brother?

I love you, B.  I love you so much.  I'm so sorry I couldn't take this away from you.  I'm sorry.  I tried.  I begged.  I will miss you every day.  I will love you more every day until we are reunited.  Please, give me strength to make it until then.  

All my love always,

Your sister, B.