Day 45

Sometimes I forget what day I'm on and I have to go and count back.  My mind, it's here but it's not.  My exterior, it's at work, doing work stuffs.  It's at home, doing home stuffs.  My heart, it's loving on my family, my son but there, right in the middle, is a huge hole.  It's in pain.  It's sad.  It remembers and it cries.  A lot.  I still find myself in disbelief that I have lost the love of my life, my brother.  I remember everything.  I remember the plans we made.  I remember our last conversation, our last texts, and I still have those voicemails he left me throughout the past few years because I'm a bad hoarder of texts/voicemails/emails.  Those voicemails, with his sweet voice, asking me to call him back; returning my call, inquiring what I had planned today, they hurt so much.  I tortured myself that day after I found them.  I kept listening to them over and over again until the battery ran out.

I have no idea what I am doing.  I have no idea how to grieve.  I know there is no handbook and that makes it all the much harder.  I'm searching for a grief support group to help me so there's that.  I mention brother a lot.  I always have and I guess I always will.  There are just so many stories and I'm going to need them to help me get through this for the rest of my life.

You know how I feel?  I feel lost.  I am completely functioning on the outside but on the inside, I am a huge mess.  My insides finally caught up with my outsides and I broke into hives 2 weeks ago.  I have lost my best friend, my soulmate, my light and I feel awful.  I'm so angry.  So angry at leukemia.

I miss my brother, I miss him so much.  I want you to know how much I hurt.  How much I miss him.  How much I want to pick up the phone and call him, tell him I love him.  SO.MUCH.

I love you, B.  I miss you.