I Was Unprepared

Today marks the 2nd anniversary of the passing of the BNC's beloved Grandmother. If I close my eyes and transport myself out of here, I can smell her house with that Grandma smell made up of food, candles and memories. I can feel her hands so translucent, soft, warm, nurturing. I can hear her voice announcing our arrival to her home whether anyone was there or not. And most certainly I can feel the love. It was evident from our first introduction, several years before, that she held the BNC in extremely high regard. Watching them together, as the BNC turned into mush, warmed my heart. Her passing had been expected for a while but it still came as a surprise because you always think you have a little more time. And that is awful, just awful. The family, huge even by Mexican standards, slowly gathered at her home as the day progressed completely at a loss as to what to do. Grandma passed at home, in her sleep while her only daughters (2 of them) were with her. In all honesty, I had never been in a home where a body lay and simply calling Grandma that makes me feel sick to my stomach, but it was something different for me. Then again, I was not present when my own Grandfather passed away including other members of my family. My Grandpa's passing was the first funeral I had ever attended and I was 21 years old. But, it's this unfamiliarity with death that would break me to pieces the day after Grandma died because it was then when I had to put Boochie down. It was something unfamiliar to me as well. I didn't know it was going to be that hard and if you don't know something then you can't truly prepare for it. So, I fell apart very slowly. By the end of this particular 2-day period, I couldn't cry anymore. I was so defeated as I was unprepared for both of these deaths. I was unprepared to sit in a house waiting for them to show up and take Grandma away. I was unprepared to watch her get wheeled out of the house while I held my breath for what seemed like an eternity. I was unprepared to see so many people cry for the first time in the entire time I had known them. I was unprepared to say good-bye to her. I was unprepared to go home and finally succumb to the decision that had to be made concerning my cat. I was unprepared to say good-bye there too. I was unprepared to walk into the vet's office as the staff gave me The Look. I was unprepared to hold him while he went to sleep indefinitely while I cried and cried for him because I kept thinking this is not happening. I was unprepared to go to sleep without him that night. I was unprepared for the lasting effects of putting the greatest cat ever down to sleep. I was unprepared for the hole he left in my heart and my little family. I was unprepared for these back to back deaths. I was unprepared for just how awful that week was going to be. I was unprepared of how hard the life of a pet owner could be. And here I am, 2 years later, most certainly prepared but now with a bandage on my heart because that's where it hurts the most.

Grandma was buried on Halloween day and since November 1st is Day of the Dead, we will be spending the afternoon at the cemetary just like we did last year.

We totally fit.