Humpty Dumpty

That awful anniversary came and went and I forgot all about it.  I guess the trauma is slowly removing itself from the front of my brain.  This is a good thing.  However, when I close my eyes and let my mind wander there, I can still smell that day.  I can still feel the emotions of that day.  I can still feel my heart breaking into a million little pieces again.  My heart managed to piece itself back together again but not like the way it was before.

Still praying for a cure because even though it's pushed back into my head, it doesn't mean it's disappeared.  That CML is still living within my brother.  And unfortunately, anything can happen and that scares the living daylights out of me.

I love you, brother.

Happy Valentine's Day

Several years ago, the BNC and I stopped celebrating Valentine's Day.  It became so stressful trying to find a place to eat, a movie to watch, cards to find and flowers to give.  It felt like a race every year to beat the crowds and try and have a good time just so we could say that we did something on Valentine's Day when people would ask.  Ugh.  Such a chore and not many people enjoy chores.  Slowly, we stopped buying each other cards and started staying in to eat by ordering a pizza.  The flowers stopped and that was a welcome thing because I'm not too fond of flowers.  I have a brown thumb.  I can't even grow mint, the weed of herbs, so taking care of those flowers also became a chore.  Then, one year, it stopped.  We thought, "Who are we competing with to prove our love for one another?  Besides, shouldn't every day be Valentine's Day?"  Suddenly, the pressure fell off.  We lived our lives and all was grand.  And then we had our son.  As today's date crept up, I figured that I would purchase a card for my son's first Valentine's Day.  But, as soon as I thought that, things started churning in my head about this date and what it really meant.  First off, it shouldn't be a competition; it should just be a day to celebrate love of all kinds for your friends and family.  Family.  My son is my family.  And, just like that, I'm back to celebrating today.  I want to celebrate love because my son is love.  He is lucky in love and will never, ever be poor in love.  He may only be 6-months old right now but next Valentine's Day, he will have a pretty good idea of what today means.  So, the BNC and I will celebrate this day once again.  Mostly it will revolve around the love we have for our son in hopes that one day he will return the gesture to all of those who have fallen in love with him at first sight.  Who could not with this face?

So, Happy Valentine's Day, Reader.  I hope your day is full of love.  To my son, Noah, my little nutbrown hare, you are loved beyond measure.

Grown-Up Stuff

I thought I knew what fear was.  It turns out, I didn't even have the slightest of clues.  Losing this little boy, my new favorite person is fear.  I know that it's not just my heart that would be crushed but many others as well.  My son is lucky in love already simply because there are so many people that love him.  As my aunt once said, he will never, ever be poor in love.

What brings all this crazy talk up?  Well, I have to update my life insurance policy as well as create an official will.  You know, grown-up stuff.